It was better in my day...

Here's the thing, you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I love them.

I know, I know - every Jackass twenty-years old + "loves" the Turtles... they grew up with them, watched them every morning, Shredder! Krang! That Rhino-Guy! Nostalgia! Blah blah blah!

People like that bug the crap out of me - it's this "retro is cool" mentality that saw everyone wearing Thundercats T-Shirts a few years ago. You should only wear that T-Shirt if you can tell me what the Eye Of Thundera is, and why the Sword of Omens was so fucking bad-ass, okay? Otherwise you're just an asshole in a Thundercats T-Shirt.

Me, I'm a Turtles fan. I spend my spare time reading the original comic books, watching the TV shows (even the godawful Next Mutation) and movies, playing the video games (Tournament Fighters on the Snes is still awesome) and from time doing a jigsaw puzzle. Jigsaw puzzles are cool, I had one when I was a kid that once you finished making it turned into a board game. It was bad ass.

When I say "when I was a kid"... well I had it when I was four and I still have it now. It's awesome, and if you disagree you are wrong. Also, Donatello is the shit. A brainiac geek who can kick your ass without you ever seeing him. That is awesome.

So when my favourite mutants (screw you, X-Men) were sold to Nickelodeon last year, I was worried. I mean, Nick? Sure they made some cool shit back in the day (Doug! Are You Afraid Of The Dark! Brilliant. Buy the DVD's. Now.) but in recent years they've degenerated into a company only concerned with making crap like The Amanda Show and spin-offs of popular Dreamworks movies (Penguins of Madagascar? Kung-Fu Panda? Really, that's what kids watch these days? Where the fuck is He-Man?) Mostly, they have fart jokes. Now, fart jokes can be funny - but fart joke after fart joke after fart joke ∞... that's stupid.

My fears were not unfounded, as there are signs that Nick are planning on bringing back Venus - the chick Turtle from Next Mutation. She had tits. That's weird. Since Nick has not produced anything to my taste for years... I'm left with little choice.

*

As sad as it may seem I think I'm going to turn into 'that guy'. The guy who moans about how it was better 'in the old days' whilst shaking my head in disgust at the latest incarnation of my favourite characters. I'll probably troll the internet, mindlessly looking for people to offend or insult for liking whatever Nick produces to do with the green dudes.

I mean, how dare these kids like something that I don't, right? How dare tastes change! How dare Nick try and bring more girls into the fandom by giving them a role-model within the story (who isn't a large-breasted redhead reporter/scientist)!

Jeez, you would think these cartoons were being made for kids or something, instead of twenty-something year olds like me. Of course, this new cartoon will automatically tarnish every single back-issue of the comics books, rendering them unreadable to anyone who isn't five.

The ultra-sophisticated and serious 1987 series will obviously be reduces to campy nonsense, simple by it's association to the new 'silly' cartoon via the characters. How dare they make a show about Turtles (transformed into bad ass humanoid ninjas by radioactive goo) silly! What are they thinking, don't they know how serious this is!?

I give up on life.








* Here is where I stop being serious and start trying to make a point, just for anyone who reads this who doesn't get it. I tried to make it as obvious as possible... but there's always one, isn't there**?

** Not that anyone will ever read this.

Doctor Who makes my head hurt.

Doctor Who is a show with 31 Seasons and various 'specials' under its belt. There's also a plethora of spin-off fiction... from comic books to novels to short stories to video games to audio-books to full cast audio plays.

As such, there's a ton of contradictory information out there. Let's look at one of the most iconic creatures Doctor Who has to offer:

The Daleks were once the peace-loving Dals, a race of philosophers and teachers (basically layabouts, but nice ones) who somehow got embroiled in a (short) nuclear war with the Thals... who were dicks.

So 500 years later and The Doctor and his 'pals' arrive on Skaro, and due to some First Doctor Dickery - get stuck there. Now the Dals are the Daleks - mutated forms of the original creatures in armour designed by their best scientists.

Here's the twist - Now it is the Daleks who are dicks and the Thals are all peace-loving and shit. The Doctor and The Thals team up and kill the shit out of the Daleks.

But wait, The Daleks are actually the Kaleds - basically outer-space Nazi's who insist on having a war with the Thals (who are pretty reasonable fellows) for a whole millennium. Then a scabby dude called Davros goes "The fuck with this" and decides to speed the whole thing up, mutating the Kaleds into... well... Daleks. (See what he did there)

Now, presumably because we actually see the second version of events, this is the correct one. One assumes the original story, related to the Doctor by the now-peace-loving (ie. pussy) Thals is a case of 500+ years of chinese whispers. But isn't it more interesting that the Daleks were once the peace loving Dals - rather than the Kaleds were dicks then became the Daleks... bigger dicks.

Atlantis also get's destroyed in Doctor Who. Twice. In stories involving totally different Doctors - what the hell does that do to his time-line. So what I would like to do here is try and examine the time-line of the Doctor in great detail and try and gel these wild variations together.

I would like to, but I'm not gonna. It's a TV show for fuck sakes.

The Halloween Franchise - Changing History

If I had a time machine I'd go see Halloween Resurrection at least ten times at the cinema, but ten copies of the DVD and pay everyone (I can time travel, I'm rich) to write positive reviews of the movie.

Of course, this would be after I had run out of other things to do. I have a time machine for fuck sakes, I've got more important things to do - not least taking an adapted television and recorder back to the 1960's to record some missing Doctor Who for a start.

Make believe TV Star.

Holy crap, I was on Confidential!

Yeah, it was a few weeks ago, but I only just remembered to write a blog about it. Some guy, Karen Gillan... ME (nursing the autograph she had just signed for me). This makes me happy, for hopefully I will be included in the Doctor Who Confidential Cutdowns on the DVD Box Set later this year... please BBC, please?

The Eleventh Doctor

The Eleventh Doctor, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The New Guy

So we're just a few days away from the 13th (and final) episode of the 2010 Season of Doctor Who - possibly the most important series for the revived show since... well... the launch in 2005. And I want to talk about Matt Smith, the Eleventh Doctor.

I remember sitting up the night before the official announcement was made - worrying about who it would be. Then that special episode of Confidential came on... and after a bit he was just suddenly there. No great reveal... he was just there.

That's pretty apt, as Smith isn't a crash-bang-wallop in your face Doctor. He has his moments, but in general he's a quieter more restrained Doctor than his immediate "pouty-shouty" predecessor. He didn't need a fanfare - that's not who his Doctor is.

So we've seen him in twelve different episodes now, and I'm left eagerly awaiting The Big Bang (the only reason I'm writing this is because I can't get Doctor Who out of my head) and I want to talk about Smith, and why I like The Eleventh Doctor so much.

There's something very "Original Run" about his Doctor - so much so that he often feels like a 1963-89 Doctor trapped in an episode of the revived series. The furious pace of the post-2005 episodes is maintained... but Smith slows everything down. He makes me enjoy the journey, rather than feeling like I'm part of a furious race to get somewhere.

Smiths Doctor is also very alien - not completely comfortable with mankind and human behaviour (his attempt to replicate human social interaction in 'The Lodger' is one of the best moments for the Eleventh Doctor this series) - a far cry from the Lion King quoting, Blockhead loving Tenth Doctor. He says the wrong things at the wrong time and finds "waiting" to be very tedious - no matter what he may be waiting for.

He also has heart - the end of Vincent and The Doctor is all the evidence you need for this - despite being very, VERY Alien he is still very, very human when it counts.

I feel like I would trust him - in The Eleventh Hour when Amy has him trapped (by the tie in a car door) and he asks her to trust him I think "I would trust that guy." he emanates goodness.

He moves strangely and looks uncomfrotable in his own skin - which works for The Doctor. Changing bodies must be a massive shock and a big adjustment to be made. Whilst this awkwardness is apparentely an everyday thing for Smith, it certainly works in the context of the show - without ever being laboured upon.

He has a great voice, a voice filled with authority (without having to resort to shouting like a lunatic) - that's not to say he doesn't get upset, but he sounds like a patient, kind and wise old man. He just happens to be trapped in the body of a 27 year old.

There's something to be said for the way he dresses. Not a great fashion choice but they do tell us something about the character. Smith has stated that the Doctor is someone who "isn't cool but thinks he is" - the tweed and bow tie are the Eleventh Doctors approximation of cool - and it just reminds me of William Hartnells costume being his approximation of 20th Century dress.

It does feel like someone at odds with the culture of the day, trying and failing to fit in - just like Hartnell.

The Eleventh Doctor is trustworthy, he's slow, he's fast, he's completely alien and completely human, he doesn't get "humans" and yet understands them completely - he's a mass of contradictions just as The Doctor should be. Long may he reign.