My favourite dream ever.

Last night I had the best dream I have ever had. Even better than Iago (from Aladdin) Vs. Predator, which has topped the list since I had that dream about ten years ago.

I was sitting in my flat, quite alone. In the dream I was employed by Aberdeen Police to help solve murders (this is porbably because I'm reading Sherlock Holmes and Logan McRae books at the moment.)

I was watching Halloween: The Musical remake and enjoying a spot of brandy when my doorbell rang. The doorbell played the Doctor Who theme, and this makes me wish I had a doorbell. So I went to answer it, and on the otherside was me, identical in every way. Poor bastard. The only thing was that he insisted on covering his mouth and chin(s) with both hands. I invited him in, not in the least surprised to be seeing him/me.

He takes a seat and I pour him a brandy, He takes it and I finally see what he has been hiding. A beard! If you have even a small amount of knowlege of popular science fiction, then you know what this means. If not... I'm probably going to have to stop being friends with you. But read this.

I was of course more careful after this. But as I got to know mirror-me, I started to think he wasn't really evil. Just a bit of a dick, like myself. Then he revealed himself as the King of Sexism.


He told me that in his universe he had six wives (women there, it seems, have no option but to do what they are told) although only one lived with him at a time. This is so that if one dies, he can move another in immediately and she can take over cooking/cleaning duties. He revealed that he was head of the group who had taken the vote away from women, and worked so that they were seen as less than animals on his world.


Then he killed me, shaved his beard and took over in this world. Soon other mirror people showed up, all folk I knew. Mirror-Beets, Mirror-Jew, Mirror-Phil, all sexist lunatics. They planned to do the same to this world, then I woke up.


The only reason I love this dream so much is that it's the first where people, locations etc. don't change at random

Review: Scream 4

To my mind the Scream series are not really horror films, they're comedies.

I don't think the films work. The first Scream is a pretty fun movie but the original sequels are boring. At some point they start taking themselves too seriously, and it stops being any fun.

Despite not liking either Scream 2 or 3 I went into 4 with zero expectations. I didn't expect to love it and I didn't expect to hate it... and here's how it went. WARNING, BIG FUCKING SPOILERS!

It was better in my day...

Here's the thing, you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I love them.

I know, I know - every Jackass twenty-years old + "loves" the Turtles... they grew up with them, watched them every morning, Shredder! Krang! That Rhino-Guy! Nostalgia! Blah blah blah!

People like that bug the crap out of me - it's this "retro is cool" mentality that saw everyone wearing Thundercats T-Shirts a few years ago. You should only wear that T-Shirt if you can tell me what the Eye Of Thundera is, and why the Sword of Omens was so fucking bad-ass, okay? Otherwise you're just an asshole in a Thundercats T-Shirt.

Me, I'm a Turtles fan. I spend my spare time reading the original comic books, watching the TV shows (even the godawful Next Mutation) and movies, playing the video games (Tournament Fighters on the Snes is still awesome) and from time doing a jigsaw puzzle. Jigsaw puzzles are cool, I had one when I was a kid that once you finished making it turned into a board game. It was bad ass.

When I say "when I was a kid"... well I had it when I was four and I still have it now. It's awesome, and if you disagree you are wrong. Also, Donatello is the shit. A brainiac geek who can kick your ass without you ever seeing him. That is awesome.

So when my favourite mutants (screw you, X-Men) were sold to Nickelodeon last year, I was worried. I mean, Nick? Sure they made some cool shit back in the day (Doug! Are You Afraid Of The Dark! Brilliant. Buy the DVD's. Now.) but in recent years they've degenerated into a company only concerned with making crap like The Amanda Show and spin-offs of popular Dreamworks movies (Penguins of Madagascar? Kung-Fu Panda? Really, that's what kids watch these days? Where the fuck is He-Man?) Mostly, they have fart jokes. Now, fart jokes can be funny - but fart joke after fart joke after fart joke ∞... that's stupid.

My fears were not unfounded, as there are signs that Nick are planning on bringing back Venus - the chick Turtle from Next Mutation. She had tits. That's weird. Since Nick has not produced anything to my taste for years... I'm left with little choice.

*

As sad as it may seem I think I'm going to turn into 'that guy'. The guy who moans about how it was better 'in the old days' whilst shaking my head in disgust at the latest incarnation of my favourite characters. I'll probably troll the internet, mindlessly looking for people to offend or insult for liking whatever Nick produces to do with the green dudes.

I mean, how dare these kids like something that I don't, right? How dare tastes change! How dare Nick try and bring more girls into the fandom by giving them a role-model within the story (who isn't a large-breasted redhead reporter/scientist)!

Jeez, you would think these cartoons were being made for kids or something, instead of twenty-something year olds like me. Of course, this new cartoon will automatically tarnish every single back-issue of the comics books, rendering them unreadable to anyone who isn't five.

The ultra-sophisticated and serious 1987 series will obviously be reduces to campy nonsense, simple by it's association to the new 'silly' cartoon via the characters. How dare they make a show about Turtles (transformed into bad ass humanoid ninjas by radioactive goo) silly! What are they thinking, don't they know how serious this is!?

I give up on life.








* Here is where I stop being serious and start trying to make a point, just for anyone who reads this who doesn't get it. I tried to make it as obvious as possible... but there's always one, isn't there**?

** Not that anyone will ever read this.

Doctor Who makes my head hurt.

Doctor Who is a show with 31 Seasons and various 'specials' under its belt. There's also a plethora of spin-off fiction... from comic books to novels to short stories to video games to audio-books to full cast audio plays.

As such, there's a ton of contradictory information out there. Let's look at one of the most iconic creatures Doctor Who has to offer:

The Daleks were once the peace-loving Dals, a race of philosophers and teachers (basically layabouts, but nice ones) who somehow got embroiled in a (short) nuclear war with the Thals... who were dicks.

So 500 years later and The Doctor and his 'pals' arrive on Skaro, and due to some First Doctor Dickery - get stuck there. Now the Dals are the Daleks - mutated forms of the original creatures in armour designed by their best scientists.

Here's the twist - Now it is the Daleks who are dicks and the Thals are all peace-loving and shit. The Doctor and The Thals team up and kill the shit out of the Daleks.

But wait, The Daleks are actually the Kaleds - basically outer-space Nazi's who insist on having a war with the Thals (who are pretty reasonable fellows) for a whole millennium. Then a scabby dude called Davros goes "The fuck with this" and decides to speed the whole thing up, mutating the Kaleds into... well... Daleks. (See what he did there)

Now, presumably because we actually see the second version of events, this is the correct one. One assumes the original story, related to the Doctor by the now-peace-loving (ie. pussy) Thals is a case of 500+ years of chinese whispers. But isn't it more interesting that the Daleks were once the peace loving Dals - rather than the Kaleds were dicks then became the Daleks... bigger dicks.

Atlantis also get's destroyed in Doctor Who. Twice. In stories involving totally different Doctors - what the hell does that do to his time-line. So what I would like to do here is try and examine the time-line of the Doctor in great detail and try and gel these wild variations together.

I would like to, but I'm not gonna. It's a TV show for fuck sakes.

The Halloween Franchise - Changing History

If I had a time machine I'd go see Halloween Resurrection at least ten times at the cinema, but ten copies of the DVD and pay everyone (I can time travel, I'm rich) to write positive reviews of the movie.

Of course, this would be after I had run out of other things to do. I have a time machine for fuck sakes, I've got more important things to do - not least taking an adapted television and recorder back to the 1960's to record some missing Doctor Who for a start.